Struggling to Feel Normal

Feeling normal, feeling lousy

I don't remember what it's like to feel normal. In fact, I'm not totally sure I ever knew. For the last few months, at least, I haven't felt anything approaching "capable" or even "much like getting out of bed" very often at all.

The past few weeks, however, are a totally different matter, even from the past few months. Constant pain is no fun. At least, I don't know anyone who would enjoy it. Being unable to do normal everyday things—like eat or sit up—eventually makes one desperate.

Desperate to feel normal again

Today, I was in the hospital. I currently have this drain surgically attached to my abdomen. If you find this disgusting to hear about, don't imagine how it feels to have it hanging off of you. I was hoping that they'd remove it today, and they didn't. Gotta wait until Tuesday.

While I was sitting in the bed in the ER, all I could think about was going out to a restaurant—without anything hanging from my belly—and ordering something I'd eat if I were feeling normal. There's a local restaurant, which I will not link, that has a dish called 'Elvis Green Chile Fried Chicken.' It's a chicken-fried chicken (I sometimes wonder if anyone outside Texas makes that distinction), breaded with Lay's Potato Chips, and covered in a spicy green-chile sauce.

Of course I can't eat this. Well, I could. It wouldn't kill me. But it's not on the menu, and won't be for a long time. But to go to the restaurant, sit down, and order something so hedonistic would feel miraculous.